


Awkward and Youthful (Joon POV)

by parka_girl



Series: khiphop au [1]
Category: K-pop, MBLAQ, Speed (Kpop)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Khiphop, Hip Hop, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 16:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1272787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parka_girl/pseuds/parka_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>khiphop AU: Joon wrote a song that was never meant to see the light of day. And then it does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awkward and Youthful (Joon POV)

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't the original pairing for this fic, but it's the only one that worked (and that I could write). Lots of love to J for being awesome as usual.

Joon doesn't remember when they met, he thinks it must've been early on in their careers, but he's not really sure. All he knows (all he cares about) is that they're friends now. Maybe friends isn't the right word, but it's the best he can come up with. Taewoon raps and Joon sings, they seems to compliment each other well, or at least that's what people tell them. But Joon knows that they do. He sings with other people, and there are plenty of rappers who want him to sing on their tracks and he does. But there's no one he likes singing with more than Taewoon.

There's something about his voice, deep in all the right ways, that brings out the best in Joon. It doesn't hurt that they write all their songs together, too. Sure, Taewoon's got other songs and he's part of a duo with his brother. But mostly it's just Joon and Taewoon. They don't even have a clever name, except that they both go by their stage names (on stage and off, it's weird and it's something they don't talk about).

The only problem is that Joon thinks he might be in love with Taewoon. He knows it's stupid and not just because they're dudes. Or that they both have fangirls. Or even the fact that they're both part of the underground hiphop scene. No, Joon thinks, it's because it's Taewoon. You're not supposed to be in love with the partner in your group, not even if you were different genders. But he can't help it.

Sometimes, when Taewoon's rapping on stage and Joon's not singing with him, it's all he can do not stare. And in the end, that's usually what he does. He honestly can't help himself. He's in love with everything about Taewoon and he can't (won't) convince himself that it's wrong. That he shouldn't be. Which is how he ends up writing the song that he won't talk about.

"Hyung, please???" Taewoon's voice has a whine to it that Joon cannot resist, but he does.

"It's not finished." He's lying, because it's been done for months.

Taewoon pouts but gives up. Until one night when they're both drunk, because the show they'd been at had sold out and there were a few reps from labels in the audience and it had gone so fucking perfectly that Joon had almost declared his love for Taewoon right then and there. But he hadn't, because he's not an idiot. Until you get a few drinks in him and then he's a hot fucking mess.

Which is how they ended up in his flat instead of Taewoon's. Alone. Just the two of them and a couple of bottles of soju. Empty bottles, Joon notices, staring at bottles on the table. He doesn't remember drinking them, but looking across at Taewoon, he knows they must've drunk them. He's still contemplating if he's going to be sick or fall asleep when Taewoon starts talking.

"Is it finished?" Taewoon asks, formalities falling by the wayside, as they do when they're both a little drunk and alone with each other.

Joon shakes his head. "I can't." Which wasn't what he wanted to say, but it's out there.

Taewoon arches an eyebrow. "What? Why not?"

Joon doesn't know how to answer that. "I just … I can't." He pushes up off the floor and walks toward his bedroom, hoping Taewoon won't follow. Because the notebook's on his nightstand and they'll both in end up in his bed and he'd rather avoid Taewoon finding the notebook. But when he goes to put the notebook in his drawer, Taewoon's there.

"Hyung." Maybe Taewoon's more sober than he expected. He's always held his liquor better than Joon.

Joon doesn't answer, not even snarkily. He's clutching the notebook in his hand, refusing to turn around. Taewoon steps in closer, so close that Joon can feel his breath hot on his face. Then Taewoon's reaching around, grabbing at the notebook. Joon tries to pull away, but ends up tumbling onto the bed. At least he's still got the notebook in his hand.

He's sprawled out flat, with Taewoon looking down at him. And then he watches Taewoon's face fall, as if he's finally realized what he was doing. He steps back, away from Joon and suddenly Joon feels like a right asshole, which he supposes he is. He just doesn't know how to explain the song. And then he thinks, maybe he won't have to. Maybe if he shows it, Taewoon will think it's about a girl and not a love song to, well, Taewoon himself. And everything will be okay and Taewoon'll stop bugging him about it. So he sits up.

"Here." He opens the notebook to the song, it's a few pages of scrawled words on the page, his singing part and Taewoon's rap. "I'm going to go shower." He shoves the notebook, still open to the song, into Taewoon's hands, and then runs away. Because he's awfully good at that.

His shower isn't hot enough or long enough, but it allows him to escape, at least for a few minutes, the fear that's coursing through him. He dries himself out, pulls some clothes on and walks back out into the bedroom. Taewoon's right where he left him -- no, he's sitting on the edge of the bed now. The notebook's on the bed, next to him. Taewoon turns when Joon clears his throat.

"It's good." Taewoon's voice sounds weird and Joon can't figure out why.

"Thanks." He replies, reaching for the notebook. Before he can take it, Taewoon's hand snakes out and grabs his wrist. "What?" Joon's heart stutters and he's not entirely sure it's beating again.

"Is … is it for us?"

Joon glances at him, then away, unable to meet his gaze at first. He swallows and goes for the truth. "Yeah. I thought … it just seemed …" He trails off.

Taewoon's thumb is against his wrist, rubbing lightly and it's making Joon lightheaded. He's supposed to be the older one, but Taewoon's got all the power here. "I want to … can I make some changes to the rap?"

Joon pulls his hand free, but he's nodding. "Yeah, okay." He nudges the notebook toward Taewoon, who takes it.

They don't talk again, at least not about the song. They go into the other room, watch some TV until Taewoon starts to fall asleep. Then Joon sends him to bed and takes the couch, because he doesn't think he can handle sleeping in the same bed as Taewoon, not now. Except that when he wakes up, Taewoon's curled up on the floor, next to the couch, the notebook clutched in his hand. Joon wants to pry it free, steal it back and shove all his secrets back into the closet where they belong. But he can't. It's too late.

A few weeks pass before they see each other again. Joon spends a restless and stressful vacation with his family, who don't notice, because it's really all in Joon's head. Taewoon's got a gig with his brother and a few other people, but no one, Joon thinks, who sings as well with Taewoon as he does. The night Joon gets back from his vacation, there's a knock on his door. It's Taewoon.

"Here." He says, pushing the notebook into Joon's hand. "I … made some changes."

Joon takes the notebook without looking at it. He steps back, letting Taewoon in. "Want something to drink?"

Taewoon shrugs and Joon escapes to the kitchen, leaving the notebook on the table. He's getting bottles of water out of the fridge when he hears Taewoon walk into the kitchen. He turns.

"You're not even going to look at it?" He asks and there's something unidentifiable in his voice.

Joon shoves a bottle into Taewoon's hand and reluctantly picks up the notebook. He flips through it until he finds the song. He sees notes, now, some sort of tune and glances up at Taewoon.

"A friend of mine … she helped me, a bit." Taewoon replies but Joon's only half paying attention because he's gotten to the first of Taewoon's rap verses. The words are still his, but they're something different now, stronger. Joon thinks about when he wrote them, he tried to rein himself in, not make it to obvious. But now. Now that's all gone.

He looks over at Taewoon. He's certain his heartbeat's loud enough for Taewoon to hear. But Taewoon's looking expectantly at him. Joon doesn't know what to say, so he goes back to reading. He has to read everything twice and he feels himself falling, harder, down a deeper hole. Because it's not just a love song now, when they sing it (no, if, he doesn't really believe they'll ever sing it) people will know right away that it's not about anyone but each other.

Taewoon's suddenly right there, even though he hasn't moved. "Do … you like it?" There's insecurity in his voice that pierces Joon's heart.

"I." He looks up at Taewoon. "Yeah, I do." A lot, he doesn't add, even though it's the truth. He loves the changes, even if they make his heart ache.

They spend the rest of the night not talking about the song and watching TV. This time they do share a bed, still not really talking and it's not like it was before Taewoon read the lyrics the first time, but it's okay. And Joon always sleeps better with Taewoon around.

The awkwardness is back when they start to practice the song. Taewoon sends him mp3s of the music by itself, then with his rapping. Eventually Joon records himself singing and sends it back. It takes them almost a month to actually be in the same place and willing to sing it together. It's not a studio, it's the two of them in Taewoon's flat. He starts playing the music and Joon sings without thinking and then they're singing it together and Joon can't believe how fucking amazing it is, even if it also makes him want to cry.

They do keep practicing, though. Joon doesn't know how, except that they keep pushing and singing. And at the end of the next month, a few weeks before their next big show, they can sing the song without avoiding each other's gaze. Or maybe it's just Joon who was having trouble. He keeps catching Taewoon watching him. He ignores it, though and then they work on other songs. A few new ones that Taewoon's written and their old stuff. If he doesn't think too hard, Joon can pretend it's like nothing's changed.

Almost exactly four months, to the day, since Joon first showed Taewoon the song, they have their show. It's a big one, they're not headliners, but they've got a good 45 minutes to themselves, right near the end of the show. It's always Joon's favorite part. It's not the very end, but it's close enough that they'll be able to make sure everyone's there, but no one's tired of the show yet.

And it's a good gig. The headliners go twice, with different groups and solos between. And then it's time for Joon and Taewoon. There's screaming girls, like all of their gigs, and they sing some of their favorites and a couple of new ones. The lights go down and there's shouts for more and then the lights go up and Joon's staring at Taewoon and he's staring back and then the music starts and Joon wants to just fucking kill him because he's not ready for the song. And yet.

Then he's singing, because he can't help it. Because this is his fucking song and he's poured his heart and soul into it, way more than he should've, but he can't help it. He tries, he really does, to sing toward the crowd, but it's not working. His gaze keeps heading toward Taewoon and by the time Taewoon's rapping, he's facing him. He doesn't hear anything else but the music and Taewoon, until it's his turn to sing again. And then he's pouring everything he has left into the music. He doesn't know when, if, he'll ever get this chance again. And Taewoon's rapping at him, no, to him. They're basically singing to each other. And Joon doesn't care what the audience thinks. He forgets they're there. It's just the two of them, singing, alone.

The song comes to end and there's screaming and crowds and the lights go down before they can even bow and Taewoon's running across the stage, grabbing at Joon's wrist and pulling him off. A couple of the guys are giving them funny looks, but Joon can't focus on anything except Taewoon, dragging him down the hall. He pushes open a door, one of the empty dressing rooms and then Joon really gets a good look at him.

"Hyung, don't hate me." Taewoon's out of breath and sweaty. Joon wants to reach out and rub his fingers along Taewoon's collarbone.

"I don't." He replies, because it's true. It's the opposite of how he's feeling.

Taewoon's let go of his hand and is standing too far away to touch, but then he steps in. "I wanted us to sing it. Just once."

Joon's nodding, because he understands. And then he feels like he's been shocked because he gets it, he can't believe it took him this long. "I wanted us to sing it, too. Properly."

He steps toward Taewoon. He can see Taewoon's chest rising and falling as he tries to catch his breath. Taewoon doesn't move as Joon gets closer, hand against Taewoon's chest, fingers curling in his shirt, pulling at him. Taewoon doesn't resist, not even for a second, not even when Joon leans in and crushes his mouth against Taewoon's, kissing him recklessly.

Taewoon's kissing him back, shoving him against the wall and kissing him harder. Hands along his sides, pushing under his shirt. Joon's arms slide around him, pulling him closer until their bodies are pressed as close as their mouths. And then everything stops, Taewoon's arms slide out from under Joon's shirt and slip around him, holding onto him. Joon's breathing is ragged and he's leaving heavily against Taewoon.

"We have to go back out there." He finally says, breaking the silence.

"Can't I just take you home?" Taewoon murmurs against Joon's ear.

Joon laughs, surprised. He pulls back a little, until he can look at Taewoon. "I …"

Taewoon shakes his head. "I know."

And then Joon's kissing him again because he doesn't know how to explain what it means that Taewoon knew. Must've known from the moment he read the lyrics. Or maybe he knew before and it was just Joon who was the idiot. Then there's loud shouting in the hall. Someone's looking for them, not just them, but everyone else, and they have to go out for the final encore. Joon reluctantly pulls back. They don't say anything to each other, but Joon lets Taewoon pull him out of the room and onto the stage. They stand too close through the final song, but no one seems to notice or if they do, they don't care.

No one mentions anything to them and it's as if nothing happened at all. Which maybe it didn't, except that every time Joon looks at Taewoon, he's grinning at him. And then Joon can't help but grin back, because what they have isn't just a friendship, not anymore. And it's enough for Joon.


End file.
